Where Did That Investigative Reporting Go?: An Investigative Report

By Mark Chua, Bryan Bishop's Adventure Island Investigative Journalist



It's no stretch to say that Hollywood: The Game has been in its dark ages for some time now. No, not regarding the movies, nor the players -- HTG has been in the dark regarding EVERYTHING, and it is in the midst of the most crippling information and media blackout in its era. That's right, HTG journalism is dead.

Sure, the journalists and publications are still here. The untested, horn-tooting Alex Love is in the reigns of HTG's flagship paper, The Hollywood Times, the ever-present fluffster, Marlowe, operates the advertnalistic What's Happening, and the PJ "One-Word-Vocabulary" Flip heads up the M.I.A. Hollywood Pit. There's also the Carson Daily, which is not daily, and really only puts up awards, and fellow Bishop-Imperialistic mouthpiece, The Hollywood Star, but of all these "active" entities, none of them seem to be willing to get dirty. None of them dig up the real facts, nor interview the real people of the Hollywood underbelly.

It's a shame, especially when browsing through the ruins of the former glory of The Hollywood Pit . Remember when mc48 bravely busted Ben Affleck in his crazed abduction spree? Or when Marty uncovered Trans-Atlantic Film's suddenly-missing $300 million bank account and their trip to Africa ? Or when Experimenter #2 released documents containing the REAL reason Sureshot lost his studio? How about when fearless Publius infiltrated the depths of The Alexander Corporation, discovering the rampant dysfunction that led to their downfall? Where are the stories that rock the world? The ballsy journalism that leads to public enlightenment? These stories used to arouse interest! Intrigue! Emotion! Lord knows Hollywood has been the same seedy, crime-ridden cesspool it has always been, the difference is, nobody has the guts to infiltrate it.

It's clear the questions are still being asked. Just last week, The Hollywood Times posed an issue that has been plaguing Hollywood for centuries. The report was hailed for being the best article HTG has seen in a long time. Tough questions were posed and addressed.

"Where Did That Blockbuster Go?" "Did productions budgets get out of hand? Were there cast or production issues that stopped filming? Did the studio heads pull the projects? Were there union issues that needed to be dealt with? Did the cast and crew become ill after eating the Flip Brothers Pizzeria catering?"

The answer? The conclusion?

"Well, we may never know."

It is articles like these, as well as the lazy, soulless, advertinterviews strewn across the press-room floor that brings back the sweet nostalgia of the brave journalistic souls of the past, as well as the bitter stench of awareness that Hollywood journalism today continues to be dead, buried, but worst of all, forgotten.

So where did the investigative report go? Here are the facts:

The investigative report was last seen thriving in The Hollywood Pit headquarters, before its deed was handed over to one Ritchie Steven, and then subsequently to Justin Graham. Graham then was involved in a horrific car accident, crippling him for several months, forcing him to abandon his editorial duties. Upon healing, Graham, valiantly attempted to revive The Pit and exhibited three fleeting glimpses of journalistic balls, before succumbing to inertia. He could not go on.

The Hollywood Pit and their glorious journalistic history was then inexplicably whored off by the aforementioned (mentally?) handicapped and auctioned off in a two-man battle between PJ Flip and soon-to-be-Hollywood Star-editor, Trax. In a show of capitalist muscle (and alleged brotherly favoritism by HTG President and ex-Pit Editor Ritchie Steven, which nobody had the journalistic balls to investigate), PJ Flip won and publication was transferred over to him.

In a total corporate makeover, the next Hollywood Pit came out emasculated with a fancy Flash-y coat, useless animations, and conspicuously lacking a soul. The Hollywood Pit has been dead ever since, and remains buried under PJ's enormous vocabulary up to this day.

From these stunning facts, and this comprehensive analysis it's clear where the investigative report went.

The investigative report is right here.

Bimperialism forever. It's where the balls are. Or at least for today.

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In his spare time Mark Chua sells American military secrets to the Red Chinese.