By Mark Chua, Bryan Bishop Adventure Island Investigative Journalist
With the conclusion of the HTG mayoral election and Mayor Chris Harmer's victory, numerous exit polls paint the picture of a fluid race. Considering that environment - so much power on the line with no clear frontrunner - it's no surprise that some campaigns took desperate measures to try and eke out a victory. But what is shocking is just how dirty some campaigns got.
Within hours of winning his party's nomination Hulk Hogan appeared on television to threaten
rivals Harmer and Pamela Anderson. "Chris Harmer... Pamela Anderson... whatcha gonna do when now [sic] that Hulkamania is coming at you?" Thankfully there were no incidents reported, but who knows what would've happened without the increased security provided by HTG's beloved philantrophist Bryan Bishop. Unfortunately the negative campaigning didn't end with a simple pseudo-threat.Rotor, the foreign campaign manager of Pamela Anderson, held a press conference touting Pamela Anderson's policies and decrying personal attacks. But only a few moments later he embarrassingly exposed himself as a bit of a hypocrite when he laid out the choice between Pamela Anderson and Hulk Hogan. "See: you've got an easy choice. Will you
vote for aggressive, slandering egomaniacs who bring nothing to the table? Or the caring, postive, dynamic Pamela Anderson?" Many of HTG's pundits felt this was a nail in the coffin of the underperforming Anderson campaign. Bringing up Hogan's losing battle with steroid abuse and roid rage was just seen as bad form.With Anderson's momentum all but gone it quickly came down to a two way dance between Chris Harmer and Hulk Hogan. Hogan had the advantadge in the squared circle but not in the town hall meetings. Harmer began a whirlwind tour across the city talking with the average citizens, offering self-deprecating humor, wisdom, and hope for change. "I vow to force the Flip Brothers Pizzeria to sell pasta as well. I mean, come on guys..."
The Hogan camp sensed a dangerous tide and its campaign manager, a mysterious man known only by the letters "DCE" lept into action. "Even as a slumlord... I mean apartment manager..." It took no time for the Hogan campaign to make light of Harmer providing low income housing to the poor in the form of his Reel Life Apartments. Harmer campaign manager Teufel tried to get the electoral process back on track. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Teufel pleaded, urging all to talk about their policies. But DCE would have none of that.
Not long after there were brand new posters on every wall in HTG bearing the image of Jesus Christ and the words - "I Will Not Cast Stones... But I Will Cast My Vote For Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea!" The Hogan camp had nefarious tried to both appeal to the evangelical votes while suggesting the Savior of Christians wasn't too fond of Harmer. Even worse the image of Christ used was a stereotypical pale white man instead of the correct Middle Eastern image of Jesus. This was another misstep by the Hogan campaign as this brought forth allegations of racism and support of white supremacy from the HTG chapters of the NAACP and Rainbow-Push Coalition.
With the Hogan campaign in a tailspin they began lashing out at anyone and everything. Campaign manager DCE exploded at the eleventh hour when asked about Hulk Hogan's recent divorce proceedings. "The last I checked divorce is legal in Mr. Hogan's home state as well as in the HTG Community!" he snarled. "Just because his wife is delusional and looking for a large pay-day as Mr. Hogan's career is coming to an end, does not make Mr. Hogan a bad person. Besides if you are casting aspersions due to divorce, look no further than Ms. Anderson." Targeting a wife of twenty plus years and the mother of the candidate's two children as well as taking shots at the by then irrelevant Pamela Anderson was the deathknell of a campaign that had started out so strongly.
Many predicted a strong victory for Chris Harmer, but something strange happened. Something insidious. The end of voting had been desiginated days in advance as January 6th, 6 pm PST. But at 7:52 pm election offical Marlowe had a startling announcement. "The polls will only be open for another four hours! They'll close at the end of today."
How could that be? On what authority? On the authority of the corporate interests that manipulate the city from the shadows. They and their flunky Marlowe clearly didn't like the pro-Harmer results of the election and executed the classic tactic of extending polling time in unfriendly voting territory to try and change the outcome to a more favorable one. When the polls finally closed Marlowe had another trick up his sleeve. "The voting is now complete to determine the leader of HTG Hollywood through 2008," Marlowe announced at a press conference. "The tallies are now being counted. Early tomorrow we hope to have city officials make the announcement on whom the winner is."
An entire extra day to tally the votes? Most experts agree that based on exit polling clearly showing Harmer as the winner, that was just twenty-four more hours than necessary to thoroughly and fairly count the votes based on the city's population. There were also rumors of HTG police setting up barricades in the streets of heavily minority populated neighborhoods of the city. Head of the HTG Chapter of NAACP Shane Alexander furiously proclaimed, "This is just like Florida 2000 all over again! Have we learned nothing?"One concerned campaign manager spoke up. "Elections extended past the predesiginated cut off point, delayed vote tallying. With the troubles this election's had I wouldn't be surprised to hear African American citizens were being prevented from voting. Whoever wins the election needs to revamp our electoral process immediately," Harmer political wunderkind Teufel sagely advised. The Harmer campaign also showed off its exit polling from January 7th, 6 pm (the original cut off date) showing Harmer the clear winner and also exit polling data from six hours later (the aritifical cut off date) still showing Harmer the winner.
Exit Poll - 6 PM
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Exit Poll - Midnight
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The underhanded plots exposed and Marlowe's past history of trying to blackmail Harmer friend Bryan Bishop with threats of exposing possibly incriminating comments being re-explored the shifty election offical started to play a new tune. Appearing before reporters nervous and sweaty, Marlowe unleashed a whopper of a flip flop. "Nope, no votes were taken after the ending point. And there's no delayed vote counting. Voting officials are merely investigating alleged wrong doings on the part of an unnamed campaign manager." No one was buying the lame excuse.
"I'm not buying that lame excuse!" exclaimed concerned and well-respected HTG citizen Cassy Havens. With no one fooled and possible civil unrest on hand, the shady electoral commission headed by Marlowe finally announced the results, results which matched up with the exit polls we were able to get our hands on, I might add. "The votes are in; a new mayor is announced!" announced Marlowe. But HTG's spryest senior citizen had one last underhanded trick under his sleeve. The results could only be seen by visiting lame news site "What's Happening?" of which he owns a controlling interest. But even that couldnt' put a damper on the celebration that swept throughout the city.
54% to Hogan's 38% to Pamela Anderson's 7% was Harmer's margin of victory - a clear majority and resounding mandate to clean up and reshape HTG into a thriving city free of corruption and crime. Of course, that will be no easy task, but that's for another time good readers.
You may think this all sounds too far fetched, too insane. You may look at where this story is hosted and laugh. But is there any forum left? The Powers That Be have muzzled and neutered every independent news source - The Pit, The Times, Carson Daily - all dead and gone or pitiful shells of their past selves. All have been watered down only to leave us with What's Happening?. Friends, this may be a strange forum, but it's also the only free voice left in this decrepit, corrupt city.
Godspeed, Chris Harmer. Godspeed.
Mark Chua has entered witness protection after writing this article.
