Chris Harmer Will Not Be Used To Install A Puppet State If He Wins The Mayoral Election

By Tony Snow, Minister of Truth

All of this nonsense about Chris Harmer being used to install a puppet state in Hollywood Town is nonsense. There is no credible evidence supporting this. There just isn't. And for those who say we've been funneling money to Harmer... funnel is such a harsh word. We've just been giving him money, because we like him. He's a fun guy. It's not so he'll gut the military and leave the doors open for us to swarm in with our flamethrower tanks. Absolutely none of you will die. This is nonsense.

Furthermore, you don't have to worry about being rounded up and put into work camps. We're absolutely not going to have any of those, because that would be wrong. But just in case somebody, who totally won't be us, might set up a work camp, please be prepared with a nice pair of work shoes and coveralls. I mean, just in case something happens.

But nothing will happen. More than likely. And it won't be us. Like, that's totally something Hogan or Pamela Anderson would do. Anyway, we're not going to invade. At all. If we were going to invade and you wanted to help by telling us who would give us trouble, well, feel free to send an email to us. I mean... we won't use it, but it would be cool to have, just for, you know, giggles.

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Tony Snow swore a loyalty oath to Bryan after he cured him of cancer.

That Is So Not A Death Ray

By Tony Snow, Minister of Truth

That is so not a death ray. That is complete hooey. Look at it. Does it look like a death ray to you?

No it doesn’t, stop saying that. And stop pointing at it and screaming. It’s a sculpture. Who sculpted it? Um… some French guy. It’s a gift from France. What’s that you say?

Why does a sculpture need a plug? Uh… oh damn. Um, okay, it’s actually like our antennae for our television. It’s how we watch TV here. What? We’re not landlocked. We’re just floating out here. We’ve got to have a big satellite.

What? Why doesn’t it look like a dish, but instead, like a gigantic death ray? Well… it’s new. We got it from the Sharper Image. You get a catalogue, right? Everybody gets one. Just look in there.

What page? Um… you know, we ordered it a few months ago. So it’s probably not in this one. It was probably a limited deal.

Seriously, that is not a death ray.

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Tony Snow kind of looks like the kid from "A Christmas Story."

Bryan Bishop Does Not Promote Genocide

By Tony Snow, Minister of Truth

Bryan Bishop does not promote genocide. I mean it. Bryan Bishop is a great man, a fine author and a great humanitarian, whose work by and for the downtrodden is unsurpassed. His thoughts are on and have always been on what he can do to make our world a better place. If you do not see that, you are blinded by partisan nonsense.

Since joining the screenwriting world, Bryan has foregone sex and violence, writing wholesome movies for the whole family. There is no evidence to the contrary. And, also, Bryan Bishop has made it clear that he will, always, put the needs of the many above his own. America has no better ally than Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. America has no better friend than Bryan Bishop

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Tony Snow is a White House Spokesman and Fox News correspondent. Which is kind of redundant.