Did You Know? Startling Facts About Bryan Bishop's Adventure Island

By Shawn "Chocolate Thunder" Wenger, Minister of Bicycles

Bishop’s Adventure Island is already THE choice location for anyone seeking to have fun in a moral vacuum. But did you know? There are many other exciting things that few people know about Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. Here are some fun facts!

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island’s chief export is danger. It’s second leading export is textiles, followed by intrigue.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island has a twenty-five mile coastline that encompasses 9,524 square miles.

• Everybody on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island blows at math.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island often draws some of the finest scientific minds. One magic weekend, they managed to clone both a Passenger Pigeon and a Dodo. Reports indicate that while the Passenger Pigeon was gamy, stringy, and tasted rather unpleasant, the Dodo was quite succulent. Particularly with a tall glass of kitten juice.

• Sodomy is outlawed on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island, unless you are good at it.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was once home to a tribe of peaceful natives who wished no one harm. On a completely unrelated note, yes, you can make a lampshade out of human skin.

• The Slacker Mafia does not operate on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. Rather, the chief criminal element is the Guys With Jobs Mafia. Several crackdowns have failed, due to all the members being at work at the time. Police did note, however, that there homes were well-furnished and devoid of Dane Cook CDs.

• For most of 2005 and part of 2006, Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was known as Fuck Jgraham Island.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was discovered by the French, then abandoned by them after seven minutes. However, recent evidence suggests that it was actually discovered by the Vikings in the year 1100. They, subsequently, abandoned it after eighteen minutes. Typical, eh France?

• The national anthem of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island is "Pac Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia. Anyone unable to recite the song word-for-word is quickly executed. It was chosen as the replacement anthem after the bloody tenure of Bob Dylan’s "Subterranean Homesick Blues."

• Ashley Morrison? I would totally hit that.

• The name of the official currency of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island is the Marlowe. It features an elderly, senile man in a bathrobe shrieking at squirrels on one side, and a picture of a cartoon dog on the other. An Underdog Marlowe is worth roughly five cents, A Huckleberry Hound Marlowe is worth about fifteen cents, and a Marmaduke Marlowe is worth just under a dollar. Despite being heavily valued in the late eighties and early nineties, the Rude Dog Marlowe is now completely worthless.

• The Pledge of Allegiance on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island merely consists of whatever member of the population who is closest to him falling on his or her knees before Bryan Bishop and lovingly extolling his praises. The pledge only ends when Bryan Bishop is satisfied or falls asleep.

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Wenger’s nickname is not due to his race, but rather, a grade-school nickname involving his embarrassing reaction to thunderstorms.

This Place Reminds Me Of Home

By Idi Amin, Vice Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island

This place is great!

When Bryan Bishop offered me a position as his Vice Imperial Overlord, I was overjoyed. It has been a long time since I was in a position of authority. I know, I’m surprised too. But Bryan luckily ended my cold streak with his generous offering, which I am overjoyed to accept.

It’s been so long since I’ve been at work. Are firing squads still in fashion? How about poison gas? Is suffering still frowned upon? Will there really be SAM sites? I’ve never gotten over being punk’d by those Israelis.

So, I’m looking forward to my leadership role. But there are a few bones I have to pick with people… mainly, Hollywood. You had Forest Whitaker play me? Why not Denzel, assholes! For your shortcomings… I promise death… scathing plagues of disease and war… hell on earth for you and your godless world…

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Idi Amin was not dead, only frozen, and is now Vice Imperial Overlord on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island.

Bryan Bishop Does Not Promote Genocide

By Tony Snow, Minister of Truth

Bryan Bishop does not promote genocide. I mean it. Bryan Bishop is a great man, a fine author and a great humanitarian, whose work by and for the downtrodden is unsurpassed. His thoughts are on and have always been on what he can do to make our world a better place. If you do not see that, you are blinded by partisan nonsense.

Since joining the screenwriting world, Bryan has foregone sex and violence, writing wholesome movies for the whole family. There is no evidence to the contrary. And, also, Bryan Bishop has made it clear that he will, always, put the needs of the many above his own. America has no better ally than Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. America has no better friend than Bryan Bishop

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Tony Snow is a White House Spokesman and Fox News correspondent. Which is kind of redundant.

Reviews Of The Movies I Have Not Seen

By Ashley Morrison, Ministeress of Cinema on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island




The Gifted Grafted Owls
70/100

"The Gifted Grafted Owls" is typical Hollywood CGI fair, directed at children, with a sense of humor to match. Four mechanical owls, each with an peculiar ability, such as shooting beams of cold out of its eyes (Blorto) or the ability to change shape (Der-Tan), are charged with saving the world from environmentalists in Mattrick’s hard-line, right-wing response to the movie “Happy Feet,” adapted from the novel by Michael Crichton. Derivative but heartwarming, especially the part where Mur-Foo (The pink owl that can shoot fireballs out of its beak) dies in the hands (wings?) of Kithkin (The leader owl, who can travel through time.) Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale provide the voices of this pleasant little romp.


Naked Fury
0/100

Ew, the poster makes this look gay!!!! No way am I reading it!!!!


A Frozen Heart
85/100

Cate Blanchette (or something) stars as Madonna during the writing of her hit late 90’s song in this docudrama. Words do not do this film justice, so I will leave you with the lyrics of the hit song that made this film possible.

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're frozen when your heart's not open
Mmmmmmm... If I could melt your heart
Mmmmmmm... We'd never be apart
Mmmmmmm... Give yourself to me
Mmmmmmm... You are the key

Thanks, Cassy. After this movie, I must say that if I was a lesbian, I would totally do you.


The Four Wall
80/100

This is a score that this film truly earns. Call it pretentious, heavy-handed, or pointlessly weird, but I think the tale of a family, told from the perspective of the fourth wall of a house, calls for celebration. The late Anna Nicole Smith stars alongside Daniel Day-Lewis as a minister and his wife, reflecting on their past history as they prepare to renovate away a wall to make way for a new pool room. Shelly Long voices the wall to great effect; one could swear her screams of agony were genuine. You will not be under-whelmed!


Watchmen
60/100

A rather boring documentary about what Lucian likes to do, half the time.


Eleven
10/100

Why Pedro’s F-M bust, “Twelve,” would garner a prequel is beyond me. Whereas the original, which included an underage Lindsay Lohan showing her breasts, pushed the boundaries of what you could and could not show in terms of child pornography, "Eleven" throws it out the door. Dakota Fanning goes down on Bob Hoskins in what can only be described as the most horrible fucking thing I have ever seen.


Cruisified
20/100

In keeping with sequels to undeserving movies getting sequels, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz are back in this sequel to “Boat Trip.” Again, they are caught on a cruise ship full of gays. Listen, the Ultimate Warrior knows best: queering doesn’t make the world go round. Enough of the gay agenda, Hollywood!


Three Time Best Producer Bryan Bishop Saves Democracy, Liberty, and America Itself with Humility and Grace (You Can Thank Him Later!)
100/100

Our glorious leader continues his steps into cinematic god-hood with this tale of, well, Bryan Bishop saving Democracy, Liberty, and America itself, no matter how ungrateful those imperialist dogs are (we are not imperialist dogs, we are imperialist fascists, there’s a difference). Bryan, you may only be a three-time best producer… but in my heart, you’re a four-time best dictator ever!

…can I see my family now? Please?

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On the mainland, Ashley Morrison is a fact checker for the Hollywood Times.

My Villa's Construction Is Quite An Undertaking

By Bryan Bishop, Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island

If you haven’t heard, I’m rich. Very rich. And it is my richness that allows me to procure my own Island from the government, so my lavish lifestyle can be met without the constant interruptions of HTG’s resident Oriental, mc48, banging his ceremonial gong, or Lucian writing on his LiveJournal while blaring songs by Panic! At The Disco. No, my needs would be better supported in a home away from home, and thus, I have undergone the opening steps in claiming a piece of free-standing earth as my own.

The island is located just off the coast. A quick look at the map may lead you to say, Bryan, your eyes and mind have taken leave of you! Well, may I say, blow me. The island is not on the map for a reason: I’m on the no-map list. And before you say, “Bryan, that’s idiotic, the no-map list isn’t real,” let me just say: you’re idiotic! And you’re not real.

My island is a fine place, of a light tropical temperament. There are locals, however, I have found that they are quite good for back-breaking labor. Unfortunately, like the ants they so resemble, they also breed. Impoverished children have overrun my island. Luckily, my four wheeler can overrun them right back.

There are many indigenous species on the island, but I have worked to exterminate them to the best of my ability. I must say, the meat of a kangaroo is only tough if you let them “spoil” by waiting for them to enter adulthood. Nothing is better than a slice of lemon over a freshly grilled joey, save for dolphin burgers.

My recent cinematic successes have assured me that, when the time is right, I will have the necessary finances to fund the completion of my villa. We have already dug eighty feet out of the island for my series of underground bunkers, and purchased several hundred miles of barbed wire. Our SAM sites are expected to be up and running any day now.

Also, I would like to mention that when my island is purchased, I will be hiring members for guard duties on the island. These will not, contrary to reports, be positions simply for roving death squads. When applying for Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island Roving Death Squad positions, be sure to list references, highest level of education, hit ratio, and any experience relevant to the job, such as marksman, police sniper, soldier of fortune, or vice president.

We will have more progress on the island as we approach its grand opening. For now, fare thee well!

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Bryan Bishop is the beloved Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island.