By Bryan Bishop, Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island
If you haven’t heard, I’m rich. Very rich. And it is my richness that allows me to procure my own Island from the government, so my lavish lifestyle can be met without the constant interruptions of HTG’s resident Oriental, mc48, banging his ceremonial gong, or Lucian writing on his LiveJournal while blaring songs by Panic! At The Disco. No, my needs would be better supported in a home away from home, and thus, I have undergone the opening steps in claiming a piece of free-standing earth as my own.
The island is located just off the coast. A quick look at the map may lead you to say, Bryan, your eyes and mind have taken leave of you! Well, may I say, blow me. The island is not on the map for a reason: I’m on the no-map list. And before you say, “Bryan, that’s idiotic, the no-map list isn’t real,” let me just say: you’re idiotic! And you’re not real.
My island is a fine place, of a light tropical temperament. There are locals, however, I have found that they are quite good for back-breaking labor. Unfortunately, like the ants they so resemble, they also breed. Impoverished children have overrun my island. Luckily, my four wheeler can overrun them right back.
There are many indigenous species on the island, but I have worked to exterminate them to the best of my ability. I must say, the meat of a kangaroo is only tough if you let them “spoil” by waiting for them to enter adulthood. Nothing is better than a slice of lemon over a freshly grilled joey, save for dolphin burgers.
My recent cinematic successes have assured me that, when the time is right, I will have the necessary finances to fund the completion of my villa. We have already dug eighty feet out of the island for my series of underground bunkers, and purchased several hundred miles of barbed wire. Our SAM sites are expected to be up and running any day now.
Also, I would like to mention that when my island is purchased, I will be hiring members for guard duties on the island. These will not, contrary to reports, be positions simply for roving death squads. When applying for Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island Roving Death Squad positions, be sure to list references, highest level of education, hit ratio, and any experience relevant to the job, such as marksman, police sniper, soldier of fortune, or vice president.
We will have more progress on the island as we approach its grand opening. For now, fare thee well!
Bryan Bishop is the beloved Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island.
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