Did You Know? Startling Facts About Bryan Bishop's Adventure Island

By Shawn "Chocolate Thunder" Wenger, Minister of Bicycles

Bishop’s Adventure Island is already THE choice location for anyone seeking to have fun in a moral vacuum. But did you know? There are many other exciting things that few people know about Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. Here are some fun facts!

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island’s chief export is danger. It’s second leading export is textiles, followed by intrigue.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island has a twenty-five mile coastline that encompasses 9,524 square miles.

• Everybody on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island blows at math.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island often draws some of the finest scientific minds. One magic weekend, they managed to clone both a Passenger Pigeon and a Dodo. Reports indicate that while the Passenger Pigeon was gamy, stringy, and tasted rather unpleasant, the Dodo was quite succulent. Particularly with a tall glass of kitten juice.

• Sodomy is outlawed on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island, unless you are good at it.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was once home to a tribe of peaceful natives who wished no one harm. On a completely unrelated note, yes, you can make a lampshade out of human skin.

• The Slacker Mafia does not operate on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island. Rather, the chief criminal element is the Guys With Jobs Mafia. Several crackdowns have failed, due to all the members being at work at the time. Police did note, however, that there homes were well-furnished and devoid of Dane Cook CDs.

• For most of 2005 and part of 2006, Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was known as Fuck Jgraham Island.

• Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island was discovered by the French, then abandoned by them after seven minutes. However, recent evidence suggests that it was actually discovered by the Vikings in the year 1100. They, subsequently, abandoned it after eighteen minutes. Typical, eh France?

• The national anthem of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island is "Pac Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia. Anyone unable to recite the song word-for-word is quickly executed. It was chosen as the replacement anthem after the bloody tenure of Bob Dylan’s "Subterranean Homesick Blues."

• Ashley Morrison? I would totally hit that.

• The name of the official currency of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island is the Marlowe. It features an elderly, senile man in a bathrobe shrieking at squirrels on one side, and a picture of a cartoon dog on the other. An Underdog Marlowe is worth roughly five cents, A Huckleberry Hound Marlowe is worth about fifteen cents, and a Marmaduke Marlowe is worth just under a dollar. Despite being heavily valued in the late eighties and early nineties, the Rude Dog Marlowe is now completely worthless.

• The Pledge of Allegiance on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island merely consists of whatever member of the population who is closest to him falling on his or her knees before Bryan Bishop and lovingly extolling his praises. The pledge only ends when Bryan Bishop is satisfied or falls asleep.

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Wenger’s nickname is not due to his race, but rather, a grade-school nickname involving his embarrassing reaction to thunderstorms.