Reviews Of The Movies I Have Not Seen

By Ashley Morrison, Ministeress of Cinema on Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island




The Gifted Grafted Owls
70/100

"The Gifted Grafted Owls" is typical Hollywood CGI fair, directed at children, with a sense of humor to match. Four mechanical owls, each with an peculiar ability, such as shooting beams of cold out of its eyes (Blorto) or the ability to change shape (Der-Tan), are charged with saving the world from environmentalists in Mattrick’s hard-line, right-wing response to the movie “Happy Feet,” adapted from the novel by Michael Crichton. Derivative but heartwarming, especially the part where Mur-Foo (The pink owl that can shoot fireballs out of its beak) dies in the hands (wings?) of Kithkin (The leader owl, who can travel through time.) Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale provide the voices of this pleasant little romp.


Naked Fury
0/100

Ew, the poster makes this look gay!!!! No way am I reading it!!!!


A Frozen Heart
85/100

Cate Blanchette (or something) stars as Madonna during the writing of her hit late 90’s song in this docudrama. Words do not do this film justice, so I will leave you with the lyrics of the hit song that made this film possible.

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're frozen when your heart's not open
Mmmmmmm... If I could melt your heart
Mmmmmmm... We'd never be apart
Mmmmmmm... Give yourself to me
Mmmmmmm... You are the key

Thanks, Cassy. After this movie, I must say that if I was a lesbian, I would totally do you.


The Four Wall
80/100

This is a score that this film truly earns. Call it pretentious, heavy-handed, or pointlessly weird, but I think the tale of a family, told from the perspective of the fourth wall of a house, calls for celebration. The late Anna Nicole Smith stars alongside Daniel Day-Lewis as a minister and his wife, reflecting on their past history as they prepare to renovate away a wall to make way for a new pool room. Shelly Long voices the wall to great effect; one could swear her screams of agony were genuine. You will not be under-whelmed!


Watchmen
60/100

A rather boring documentary about what Lucian likes to do, half the time.


Eleven
10/100

Why Pedro’s F-M bust, “Twelve,” would garner a prequel is beyond me. Whereas the original, which included an underage Lindsay Lohan showing her breasts, pushed the boundaries of what you could and could not show in terms of child pornography, "Eleven" throws it out the door. Dakota Fanning goes down on Bob Hoskins in what can only be described as the most horrible fucking thing I have ever seen.


Cruisified
20/100

In keeping with sequels to undeserving movies getting sequels, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz are back in this sequel to “Boat Trip.” Again, they are caught on a cruise ship full of gays. Listen, the Ultimate Warrior knows best: queering doesn’t make the world go round. Enough of the gay agenda, Hollywood!


Three Time Best Producer Bryan Bishop Saves Democracy, Liberty, and America Itself with Humility and Grace (You Can Thank Him Later!)
100/100

Our glorious leader continues his steps into cinematic god-hood with this tale of, well, Bryan Bishop saving Democracy, Liberty, and America itself, no matter how ungrateful those imperialist dogs are (we are not imperialist dogs, we are imperialist fascists, there’s a difference). Bryan, you may only be a three-time best producer… but in my heart, you’re a four-time best dictator ever!

…can I see my family now? Please?

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On the mainland, Ashley Morrison is a fact checker for the Hollywood Times.