Being Playful Is Quite An Undertaking

By Bryan Bishop, Imperial Overlord of Bryan Bishop’s Adventure Island

So I’m busy raping and mur… er, playing in the surf with my dog one day and my Imperial Messenger runs up, and gives me this note:

Dear who it may concern.

I noticed in your latest edition, you featured a senior citizen by the name of "Marlowe." It has come to our attention that this may, in fact, not be the Marlowe we are familiar with on the mainland. Nonetheless, we assume you simply named this poor, senile man after a rival producer for your own sick pleasure.

May I say, Mr. Bishop, that you and your ilk disgust me. Your wanton actions are the kinds that curdle the breast milk of new mothers and cause little girls to go blind in the flower of life. How dare you steal the identity of a poor old man for your own sick desires!

We ask that you find the true name of this poor old man, and let him go by that from now on at the very least… though anybody with a soul would send him home to be with his family. Also, revise your old records to reflect the changes, or face more glaring disapproval.

Signed,

The Garofalo Commission.


Needless to say, the rest of my day was spent sputtering in frustration. Then I wandered out and found our old friend hiding behind a tree to keep the grass from eating his feet.

"Hey, old timer!" I said.

"Bicycles cause the gay!"

"That’s great. Listen… um… I’ve gotten a pretty angry letter, and they want me to find out your real name. So… got it?"

"Name’s Marlowe."

Shit.

"Martin Lowe? Like, are you just saying it fast?"

"My name is Robert E. Marlowe, you goddamn Quaker! Go weave me a basket!"

"Look, they want us to rename you."

"They can kiss my sister’s black cat’s ass! This is my name! It was my name in aught 14 and it’ll be my name when I die and Jesus drinks me out a hat!"

He then screamed as his legs became entangled in a spool of yarn he was gumming. I would have to think fast. Quickly, I called for my imperial scribe, Shawn "Chocolate Thunder" Wenger.

"Take a letter," I said.

"Sure," Shawn said, readying his Bic.

"I regret the error that has befallen us. It seems my third-in-command, Shawn "Chocolate Thunder" Wenger, is fully at fault in this controversy. I am very displeased with his foolish and petty action, and…"

"Hey!"

"…will see to it that the little worm is justly…"

"You godforsaken coward!"

"Shut up and write, monkey!"

We then proceeded to slap each other with our eyes closed and heads turned to the side. After roughly twenty-five minutes, we paused to rest, and decided that selling out a subordinate would not end this controversy… we would have to ask "Marlowe" who he really was, not because we wanted to, or felt it was at all necessary, but to get the Garofalo Commission off our back.

"Marlowe," tell us your story!

---

Seriously, this was all Wenger’s idea.