By Edward Havens, Imperial Minister of the Bryan Bishop Adventure Island FlockYou see, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. Now, the Earth was formless and fucking empty. Darkness was over the fucking surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. BOOM! Like a bullet out of a fucking .45. And God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." Makes sense, doesn't it? And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
After a good night's sleep, God woke up the next day to look upon his creation. He examined the formless Earth he created and thought it to be too plain. God's special friend stumbled out of the bedroom and looked around as well. The friend said "You want to make a waterworld? That's pretty boring." God said, "You're right. A waterworld would be very boring. I shall create an expanse between the waters, to separate water from water. Water dissolving and water removing. There is water at the bottom of the ocean. Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean. Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!" So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
After a somewhat restful night of sleep, God awoke and started examining his new creation some more. After a great deal of thought, he said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was pretty fucking good.
Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
The next day, God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, and twice a year, we'll adjust time so that there can be a little more light towards the end of the day to enjoy life and liberty and the pursuit of happyness." And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
Now, on the fifth day, God's voice was getting kinda scratchy. He'd done all this creating of heavens and Earth and water and stars and shit. So he thought to himself, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
Now, what very few people know is that, on the sixth day, God actually took a half day. After all, who the hell was going to yell at him? He's the boss, you know? He created a lawn chair, created a mini-fridge with some beer in it, kicked off his sandles and just soaked in his creations thus far. He examined the Sun and the Moon, the heavens and the Earth, and he was pretty pleased with himself. God thought to himself, "I did a pretty damn good job. But I've got all these creatures under the water, but nothing on the land. I need to get some living creatures going, according to their kinds. We need some livestock, some creatures that move along the ground, and some wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Then God wondered why the announcer, who he hadn't really created yet, kept intoning what he was thinking and repeating what he was saying. So God turned to the announcer and said, "Let me make man in my image, in my likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. But give them a better nose than the one I have. Mine has a deviated septum and it makes me snore at night. It keeps Mr. God's special friend awake at night, and he keeps kicking me when it wakes him up." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. With a better nose. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number. Especially you really stupid ones. Overfill the earth and subjugate it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. Shoot it or stab it or blow it out of the air or sea. Just make sure you have enough for dinner each night." Then God said, "If that's not good enough. I'll give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food. Except for the ivy. Don't eat the ivy, and for My sake, don't roll around in it naked." And it was so.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
And on the seventh day, God looked all around the heavens and the Earth and the land and the sea and all the creatures he created, and God's special friend turned to God and said "That'll do, pig. That'll do. Now create me some place where I can make something to eat. We've been cooped up on this cloud for a week now with nothing to eat and I'm fucking hungry, you selfish piece of shit." So God grabbed a couple beers from his mini-fridge, created a kitchen for his friend and hit Play on the universe He created. "Let's see what happens, Landon."
Ed Havens was walking by and said "God bless you" when Bryan Bishop sneezed. He was hired right then and there.
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